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Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

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Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

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Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

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The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

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Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

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Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

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Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

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Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

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I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

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A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

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If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

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Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

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C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

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If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

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Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

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Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

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Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

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Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

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To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

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Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

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Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

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Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

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I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

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Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

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The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

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They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

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When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

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We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

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I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

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Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

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I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

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Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

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Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

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The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

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It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

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You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

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The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

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I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

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Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

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Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Excellent site. It was pleasant to me.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

It is the coolest site, keep so!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

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Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

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My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

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All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

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I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

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The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

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To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

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They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

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Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

I am not young enough to know everything.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Why don't you write books people can read?

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

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If a man does his best, what else is there?

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We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

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I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

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Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

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Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

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If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Why don't you write books people can read?

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God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

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I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

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The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

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Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

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Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

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It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

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A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

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The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

No person can be closely like me. Occasionally even I make ailment doing it.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

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Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

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Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

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