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We should be chary and fussy in all the advice we give. We should be strikingly painstaking in giving opinion that we would not dream up of following ourselves. Most of all, we ought to evade giving recommendation which we don't tag along when it damages those who take us at our word.

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Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Why don't you write books people can read?

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

If there�s one thing I know it�s God does love a good joke.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

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Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist � and better tools.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

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Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

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The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Your website is very interesting. I liked your website a lot. Thank you.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

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I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

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Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

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Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

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Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

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The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air � however slight � lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

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Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

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A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

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Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

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I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

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War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Youtube has grow such an quarrelsome order right of spam and unaccommodating sprirted commenting on not quite any video put there – that I concoct you would be greater served to attend to your real off of youtube until they learn to coordinate or the coppers the use of comments and profanity. You could wholly tummler the videos on amazon s3 and proceed them from any neighbourhood you choose.

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I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

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I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

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If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

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The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

In the whole world's existence, at some dated, our inner throw goes out. It is then blow up into enthusiasm beside an be faced with with another hominoid being. We should all be indebted for the duration of those people who rekindle the inner transport

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

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It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

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Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

I am not young enough to know everything.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist � and better tools.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

If there�s one thing I know it�s God does love a good joke.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

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It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

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Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

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Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

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The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

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Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

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Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

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Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

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Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

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Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

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Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

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Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Smith & Wesson � the original point and click interface.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

If the object of a community network is to fit with other people, you prerequisite a group network that has masses of members. And Facebook decidedly has copiousness of members, in defiance of all the adversative publicity it has received lately give its clandestineness problems. inclination all 500 million Facebook users move to Google Me? I scruple it -- and those 500 million members are what makes Facebook so attractive.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Why BlackBerry faces the UAE's wrath

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

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Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

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Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

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A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

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I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

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I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

If the object of a communal network is to fit with other people, you extremity a community network that has lavishness of members. And Facebook plainly has copiousness of members, in defiance of all the denying publicity it has received lately give its clandestineness problems. want all 500 million Facebook users move to Google Me? I scruple it -- and those 500 million members are what makes Facebook so attractive.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

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Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

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First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels�!

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels�!

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

During the markup to Quarter Resolution 2267, the bill proposing online gambling code, contender Spencer Bachus recurrently referred to an article in the Orlando Patrol as heralding the incipient dangers of Internet gaming. Bachus said the files bemoaned the induce Internet cafes posed to children, and argued this meant accepting online casinos means subjecting kids to risk.

Bachus repeated the citation a include of times during the course of the exchange nigh the Legislature Financial Services Cabinet, as if he had discovered a in the red quiddity of fact gaming proponents could not refute nor digest. But the Alabama Republican had either accidentally or on purpose muddied the water with misleading information.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

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The covers of this book are too far apart.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

If there�s one thing I know it�s God does love a good joke.

If there�s one thing I know it�s God does love a good joke.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

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In related news, Tiger Woods always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Thank you for writing on this article. Using Bing for the first time, found your blog.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

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To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.